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Zero Shame: My Abortion Story
By Sarah Thomsen
This is my abortion story, why I’m not ashamed of my abortion, and why it matters that I am saying this out loud today.
I consider myself a private person. I’m not into people knowing my business or my past. I confide my thoughts to my lover and my trusted buddhist community, where I know they will be held in confidence and love. This being said, I have chosen to share my abortion story publicly because it holds power and relevance at this moment in time.
An incredible amount of grief and astonishment rolls over and through my entire being when I think about the overturning of Roe vs. Wade in the US supreme court June 24, 2022. The utter cruelty towards women and girls that is happening right now is unspeakable and something I never thought I would see in my lifetime within North America. It’s astonishing in its darkness, lack of compassion and vivid ignorance so meaty it literally makes me nauseous. The negative aftermath of this decision on women living in the US (and all women of the world) is NOW sweeping itself across generations of humans to come... generations!
The memories of my own abortion 20 years ago comes seeping into my mind as I watch the news and read the articles. I was in my mid twenties and with a man, who let’s ust say, wasn’t awesome. I became pregnant with his child and was devastated. The guilt and sadness that surrounded me were impermeable. I knew I was in a lot of trouble.
My Abortion Story: Why I Had An Abortion
The thought of being a mother and being forever attached to this man was disheartening to say the least. For a brief moment I thought about adoption until his fanatical, brutish and religious father found out that I was carrying his grandchild. There was no way I was entering into a legal battle with his family about who was going to raise this baby. No. Fucking. Way.
My mental health was poor at that time of my life. I would say about 4 out of 10. I smoked and struggled with drug addiction and alcohol abuse. I was using a lot of weed, binge drinking and if I could afford it or I was around harder drugs, I was definitely on board.
I found out I was pregnant at around 2 months and I had been using the whole time. This did NOT rest well with me. I knew, so far, I had done a piss poor job of growing a human the past 2 months and I was unsure of how much better I would be able to do in the future considering my already tender state of mental health.
I had no support network at that time. No community that I could call on for help. I wouldn't call my immediate family “close knit”. I wasn’t that kid who went to their parents with their problems… in fact, I usually went nowhere, and tried to solve them myself. I was at a new college, with new peers, in a new town with a boyfriend who wasn’t stellar.
Being pregnant is like being thrust into a different dimension. The lens in which you view the world changes immediately. One day you are wearing rose-coloured glasses, and the next day your eyes see only the survival of the species! (Let's not confuse this with only the survival of the fetus that resides within your body. Primarily it’s survival of the self).
I could say that, yes, I might have survived having that baby, but would I have thrived? Would we both have had the ability to succeed and expand in this world? Could my child flourish and grow and glow if I was only able to cling on to the basics of life? I based my decision to have an abortion on choosing to value MY life. I chose to shine. I didn’t just want to survive. I want to live my life the way I wanted. I wanted to thrive and glow and brighten my own path through life.
There was not one thought of pleasure in my mind when it came to birthing a human and raising it. I don’t even remember wanting to have a kid prior to the abortion. Motherhood was never on my list of things to do at that time of my life and even still (I am a mother now) I'm not that great with kids! Ha! Just ask my daughter! She’ll tell you I’m not known as the “Mom fun train” when it comes to sleepovers and outings.
The above are my true reasons why I decided that having an abortion was the best choice for me. Let me recap: abusive partner, poor mental health, struggling with addiction, deficient support network, choosing myself and just plain not ready or interested. While these are my reasons for getting an abortion, its my opinion that other women don't need to have a 'good reason' to get one and it's no one's business why someone decides to get one.
My Abortion Experience in Canada
It was incredibly sad, stressful and traumatizing. From what I understand, listening to other womens’ abortion stories, the process in Canada is much easier and compassionate now than it was even twenty years ago!
I did go through some questionable conversations with doctors and nurses prior to the procedure and after. If I was presented with these same conversations today I would lose my ever-mother-lovin-shit! Regardless, I saw my freedom on the other side and was willing to go through whatever I had to, to get it! I would have done anything… much like women in the US finding themselves in similar situations are now going to have to do.
With this in mind, the decision to have an abortion was not made lightly, but I made it with grace. All the presence I could grant I gave to my situation and made the choice to abort my baby. Abortion is tragedy and a loss that as a woman I honoured and recognized. Yet it was accompanied with a depth of freedom that was incomparable.
We Deserve Freedom of Choice
As I lay in that abortion clinic coming out of sedation, I remember crying and thinking about how incredibly grateful I was that the women generations older than I had made unbelievable sacrifices politicallly, religiously and physically so that I could have my freedom of choice.
Millions of women have lost their lives trying to accomplish what I just went through with attentive, FREE medical attention. I was floored by the reverence (and I still am) at what they gifted me without knowing me. Only knowing that there would be others and that they would also need what I had received, an abortion.
Why I’m Not Ashamed of My Abortion
I have zero shame about my decision. ZERO!! The only people who should have shame are those who make laws that inhibit women to have autonomy over their bodies and want to imprison them if they choose to have an abortion. Having an abortion is my basic human right. I would do it again if I was in the same position.
I choose to share my abortion story and publish it online because I think it’s time to share our stories and stop hiding behind someone else's idea of what is acceptable and righteous female behavior. I HAD AN ABORTION and I am a good person. I chose to share this part of my life because for now it's all the power I could muster to take action in a woman's world where actual initiative is needed right now. Our sisters south of the border need us to give them every ounce of strength and be brave enough to speak up, to write, and to SCREAM for their rights. I’m here to do that.
Want to take action for abortion rights? You can get more information from the Abortion Rights Coalition of Canada. All the links you need for additional information and donation are found within.
And if you haven't already, support other kick-ass women doing cool shit with their lives by signing up for the 90 second newsletter! I would love that so much!!
To read more on abortion rights and what it means to be pro-choice and pro-life, please click here
xoxoxo
Sarah Thomsen
